What Draco Malfoy Did on His 29th Birthday
by Stacy Galore
Summary: Follow Draco Malfoy as he posts updates on his Twitter account throughout his 29th Birthday on the 5th of June, 2009. Warnings: Adult language and allusions to adult situations, including slash.


**What Draco Malfoy Did On His 29th Birthday**

Follow Draco Malfoy as he posts updates on his Twitter account throughout his 29th Birthday on the 5th of June, 2009. (Note: These are not real tweets, obviously. This is **not **a transcript of the Harry Potter RPG on Twitter. Paste the URLs into your web browser to see accompanying pictures.)

**AlphaDraconis**

**Name: **Draco Malfoy

**Location: **Malfoy Manor, Wiltshire, UK

**Bio: **It hurts to be this beautiful.

Following 11 Followers 9260

Following

MalfoyMILF LusciousLucius AstoriaLurvesDraco AmazingBlaise GMoney DontCallMePans Chosen1 LOLCatsMillieB GreenieD Tom_Felton R_Pats

**AlphaDraconis **Fuck you, screeching albino peacocks, for waking me. Fuck me, for forgetting to cast Muffliato b4 bed.

_6:02 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Going back 2 sleep.

_6:03 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco** Where are you, love? You werent in bed when I woke up. Youre not answering your i-Magimobile. Do you know what today is?

_8:12 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco** Im still in bed by the way ; )

_8:13 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco** Shes in MY bed, bee-och! Kidding. Happy Birthday, you little ferret.

_8:15 AM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 **Fuck you, Potter.

_8:16 AM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to Chosen1_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco** Seriously, Astoria. Where the hell are you?

_8:16 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**MalfoyMILF AlphaDraconis **Happy Birthday, my sweet darling boy! Can you come over to our wing of the Manor today for cake? I got your favourite – devils food cake.

_8:17 AM on June 5th from TweeterOwl_

**AlphaDraconis MalfoyMILF** Thanks mum. Cake sounds lovely. Have you seen Astoria this morning? Shes not picking up her i-Magimobile.

_8:20 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to MalfoyMILF_

**MalfoyMILF AlphaDraconis **No sweetums, I havent. Perhaps shes in the bath.

_8:25 AM on June 5th from TweeterOwl in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**MalfoyMILF AlphaDraconis **By the way, Scorpius is spending the day with Father and me.

_8:26 AM on June 5th from TweeterOwl in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis **Of course. The bath. *face palm*

_8:27 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Id just like to say that I fucking love my wife. Really fucking hard.

_9:34 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**DontCallMePans AlphaDraconis **Too much information. Eww.

_9:45 AM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to HairOfSltherin_

**Chosen1 DontCallMePans** **AlphaDraconis **My sentiments exactly, Pans.

_9:56 AM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to DontCallMePans_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis **I love you too, sweetheart. Especially your uncanny ability to make my morning bath the antithesis of clean. ; )

_10:01 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco **I dont know what youre talking about. ; )

_10:05 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**LuciousLucius AlphaDraconis **Might I remind you, son, everyone can see your Tweets, including the your employers at the Ministry?

_10:07 AM on June 5th from AccioTweets_

**Chosen1 AstoriaLurvesDraco **Your husband **AlphaDraconis **is too blond to understand big words like antithesis.

_10:09 AM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**DontCallMePans AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco** I think I just may vomit.

_10:15 AM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco DontCallMePans AlphaDraconis** OK Pans, but dont expect me to hold back your hair while you do it. (Ah, childhood memories . . .)

_10:17 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to DontCallMePans_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 **Fuck you Potter.

_10:21 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**AlphaDraconis ** #FollowFriday **AstoriaLurvesDraco MalfoyMILF LusciousLucius AmazingBlaise GMoney LOLCatsMillieB GreenieD**

_11:03 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis **Having a leisurely, al fresco brunch on the terrace with **AstoriaLurvesDraco**. Were drinking Bloody Barons. /6o7g6

_11:05 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis **Oh god, the things you can do with strawberries and whipped cream!

_11:20 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis **Did I mention I fucking love my wife?

_11:22 AM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**MalfoyMILF AlphaDraconis **Sweetums, I know I live on the opposite end of the Manor, but I would appreciate a warning notice next time you and Astoria decide to use the terrace that way.

_11:23 AM on June 5th from TweeterOwl_

**LOLCatsMillie AlphaDraconis **I know! Strawberry shortcake, strawberry ladyfingers, strawberry cobbler. Theyre so versatile.

_11:37 AM on June 5th from AccioTweets in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis LOLCatsMillie **Millicent, you should know after all these years that I do not bake.

_11:59 AM on June 5th from i-Magitexts in reply to LOLCatsMillie_

**AlphaDraconis **Shopping in Paris with **AstoriaLurvesDraco**. Nothing like spending an obscene amount of money to celebrate ones birthday.

_1:22 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis **For the record, my hairline is not receding.

_1:39 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis **No, your forehead is advancing.

_1:45 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 **Fuck you Potter.

_1:49 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**AlphaDraconis **Astoria picked out this shirt for me. I think its god awful. What do you think?

/6oc6y

_1:50 PM on June 5th from i-Magimobile Tweetdeck _

**GMoney AlphaDraconis **You look great in everything, mate. Birthday drinks tonight?

_1:51 PM on June 5th from NitTwit in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis **Rule of thumb: Never let your wife pick your clothes. Especially when shes a Greengrass.

_1:52 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**GreenieD AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis **Hey! I saw that! :( 

_1:54 PM on June 5th from TweeterOwl in reply to AmazingBlaise_

**AlphaDraconis AmazingBlaise **Rule of thumb: Disputing your wifes fashion sense will get you nowhere. Humoring your wife will get you everywhere. And I do mean EVERYWHERE.

_1:56 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AmazingBlaise_

**DontCallMePans AlphaDraconis **I wouldnt be caught dead wearing anything Astoria chose.

_2:01 on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis AmazingBlaise DontCallMePans **Ill have you know, thats from the Dior spring collection. Bold patterns are the new black.

_2:05 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco GreenieD **Its a good thing our husbands **AmazingBlaise** and **AlphaDraconis **are rich.

_2:06 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco GreenieD **If all **AmazingBlaise** and **AlphaDraconis **had

were their good looks, we wouldnt put up with their insolent mouths.

_2:07 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis AmazingBlaise **Our wives are getting awfully cheeky today.

_2:10 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis **Indeed. Its time to break out the paddle.

_2:12 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis **Ive been a bad girl and need to be punished.

_2:13 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco **Get your sexy little self into this dressing room so I can punish you with my wand.

_2:14 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Fucking hell, I love my wife.

_2:34 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis** This ones more my style. /6oecl

_2:35 PM on June 5th from i-Magimobile Tweetdeck_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis **The monochromatic look suits your monochromatic personality.

_2:46 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis **Let me beat you to the punch. Fuck you Potter. There. No need to reply now.

_2:47 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 **Go fuck yourself Potter.

_2:49 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis **Oooh. A slight varation. Youre starting to get creative now.

_2:55 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 ** I could devastate you with a few words, but I just havent got time to waste.

_2:58 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis ** Devastate? Dont flatter yourself Malfoy.

_3:03 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 ** I dont need to flatter myself. I have minions to do that for me.

_3:08 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis ** Your mum, your wife, and Gregory Goyle hardly constitute a minion.

_3:13 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 ** I have over 9,000 followers on Twitter and nearly 10,000 friends on Facebook. What do you have, Potter?

_3:16 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis ** What do I have? Better things to do with my time than fishing for friends on the Wizarding World Web.

_3:19 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1 ** Like what? Polishing your wand?

_3:24 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis ** Gotta keep it nice and shiny.

_3:25 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis Chosen1 **Would you two shut up and just fuck each other already?

_3:27 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis AmazingBlase ** How bout I kick your face in?

_3:29 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AmazingBlaise_

**AlphaDraconis **Got bored with French couture. Being fitted for a new suit in Milan. But first, a cappuccino.

_4:41 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Stupid tailor stuck me with a pin. So I bitch slapped him.

_4:54 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**GMoney AlphaDraconis **Do you need me to beat his arse? Because I can skip out of work and do it. Then we can have birthday drinks.

_4:55 PM on June 5th from NitTwit in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis** Shopping was a bust. I only managed to spend 2100 Galleons.

_5:24 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Dinner with **MalfoyMILF** **LuciousLucius** **AstoriaLurvesDraco **and Scorpius at Malfoy Manor. Seared mermaid with pomegranate coulis.

_6:02 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**GMoney AlphaDraconis **So are we meeting for drinks after dinner?

_6:05 PM on June 5th from NitTwit in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis **Devils food cake was certainly created using the Dark Arts. Best birthday cake ever.

_6:52 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis** I concur. I daresay it is better than sex.

_6:54 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco** Im highly offended.

_6:56 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**DontCallMePans AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis** Considering youre comparing it to Draco, that cake is probably only mediocre at best.

_6:57 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**LusciousLucius AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco **Stop twittering on your i-Magimobile phones under the dinner table. Its quite rude.

_6:57 PM on June 5th from AccioTweets in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis LusciousLucius** Ill stop when you stop downloading porn on yours.

_6:58 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to LusciousLucius_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis **Care to prove me wrong, darling?

_7:00 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis** **AstoriaLurvesDraco** I knew you were just baiting me.

_7:01 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AstoriaLurvesDraco_

**AstoriaLurvesDraco AlphaDraconis** Of course. Nothings better than you. After you open your presents lets go to bed.

_7:02 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis** B-day presents: Goblin hewn gold watch encrusted with diamonds from **LusciousLucius** (a little too ostentatious for my taste).

_7:11 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis** B-day presents: Little Scorpius decorated a card for me using feathers he yanked off the peacocks. No wonder they were screeching so much this morning.

_7:12 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis **B-day presents: Subscription to Cake of the Month Club from **MalfoyMILF** (because my metabolism is still astonishingly fast for a 29 year old).

_7:17 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis **B-day presents: Bottle of elf-made cabernet sovignon from **LOLCatsMillie **and **GMoney**. Also a bag of Canabis sativa from Goyle**. **(I swear its for a medical condition!)

_7:24 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext _

**AlphaDraconis** B-day presents: Fruit basket from **AmazingBlaise **and **GreenieD** (probably more from Daphne than from Blaise).

_7:28 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **B-day presents: Strip-o-Gram card from **AmazingBlaise** (would have been amusing had it not been a naked man in the picture).

_7:30 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis** B-day presents: Floral arrangement of pale yellow roses from **DontCallMePans **(quite lovely but Im allergic to them and she damn well knows this).

_7:32 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **And my present from my dear **AstoriaLurvesDraco**? Im about to find out.

_7:33 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**GMoney AlphaDraconis** I see you received your birthday package. That herb is the best shit from Jamaica. So are we going out for drinks or what, mate?

_7:33 PM on June 5th from NitTwit_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis** Ginny and I sent you some of her homemade raspberry tart. But I guess were not important enough to mention.

_7:33 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1** I wouldnt dare put anything in my mouth that was touched by a Weasley.

_7:34 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to Chosen1_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis **Did **Chosen1** ask you to suck him off again?

_7:35 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **I cant explain Astorias birthday gift in 140 characters.

_9:45 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Did I mention I love my wife?

_9:46 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**DontCallMePans AlphaDraconis **You did. About fifty times today.

_9:47 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis** My wife made it quite apparent that she really fucking loves me. Oh god, she loves me so fucking hard!

_9:47 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Bloody hell. If thats what **AstoriaLurvesDraco** does for my 29th birthday, what will she do for my 30th?

_9:48 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis** Would you tell the world what Astoria did for your birthday already? You know you like to over-share with your minion of 9000 followers.

_9:50 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis AmazingBlaise **Astoria would kill me if I told the world. All I can say is that it involved polyjuice potion.

_9:52 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AmazingBlaise_

**AmazingBlaise** **AlphaDraconis **Will you at least tell us whose hair was in the polyjuice potion?

_9:53 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis AmazingBlaise** Mine

_9:54 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AmazingBlaise_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis** Merlins pants! Youre one kinky narcissistic bastard!

_9:55 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**Chosen1 AlphaDraconis** Regarding the rude remark about my wifes cooking, Id retort with a hearty go fuck yourself, but it seems youve already done that.

_9:57 PM on June 5th from wizardweb in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis** Getting dressed to go dancing in London with **AstoriaLurvesDraco AmazingBlaise** and **GreenieD**. My outfit for tonight: /6pynp

_10:44 PM on June 5th from i-Magimobile Tweetdeck_

**GMoney AlphaDraconis** Am I not invited? WTF?

_10:45 PM on June 5th from NitTwit_

**AlphaDraconis AmazingBlaise** Fine. You can come.

_10:49 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext in reply to AmazingBlaise_

**AlphaDraconis **Anybody who wants to party with me, were going to The Dungeon. Though I doubt you lot are important enough to get in.

_10:50 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **VIP lounge, bitches! Poppin bottles of Crystal like Im a fucking pimp!

_11:21 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis** With **AstoriaLurvesDraco AmazingBlaise** **GreenieD DontCallMePans **and Theo Nott.

_11:22 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**GMoney AlphaDraconis** I cant get into the club. Can you come out and talk to the bouncer?

_11:25 PM on June 5th from NitTwit_

**AlphaDraconis **Im so fucking lit right now. **GMoney **was right – this is some good shit. Woo!

_11:46 PM on June 5th from i-Magitext_

**GMoney AlphaDraconis** Seriously. Let me in, mate.

_11:48 PM on June 5th from NitTwit in reply to AlphaDraconis_

**AlphaDraconis **We all just dropped Ecstasy courtesy of **AmazingBlaise**. As if this evening werent entertaining enough.

_12:03 PM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **I probably shouldnt mix alcohol, cannabis, and Ecstasy. But I just did. Oh well. . . . .

_12:07 PM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **OMFG! I just watched my wife snog my ex girlfriend after they both gave me a lap dance. Ecstasy FTW!

_12:32 PM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Fuck. Potters here. Alone. Stalker!

_12:46 PM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **LOL! **AmazingBlaise** and Theodore are dry-humping each other on the dance floor to Love Game by Lady GaGa. **GreenieD** is not amused.

_1:07 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Lets have some fun. This beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your broom stick.

_1:08 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis Chosen1** Quit staring at me from the bar and come here.

_2:06 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **Pansy just sicked up in the champagne bucket while Astoria held back her hair. Just like old times.

_2:07 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **I shouldnt be tweeting this, but fuck it. I just snogged Harry Fucking Potter.

_2:41 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco **I got a strand of Potters hair. 30th birthday? ; )

_2:43 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**Chosen1** **AlphaDraconis **Theres more if you want. Meet me in the cloak room.

_2:45 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **That didnt happen. Im hallucinating. I didnt just . . . FUCKING HELL!

_3:03 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **With Potter, no less. Fucking Hell.

_3:04 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**Chosen1** **AlphaDraconis **Come off it, Malfoy. You wanted it. And you liked it. A LOT.

_3:06 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AlphaDraconis **In bed with my wife, as it should be. Going to sleep. Gnight tweeps.

_4:45 AM on June 6th from i-Magitext_

**AmazingBlaise AlphaDraconis AstoriaLurvesDraco GreenieD DontCallMePans Chosen1 **Guess what? That wasnt Ecstasy. It was paracetamol. SUCKERS!!!

_11:39 AM on June 6th from wizardweb_


End file.
